Code Red! Sneezing Swines Are Everywhere ~

22nd June - 5th July 2009

The other day I was walking towards the bus after school. My nose tickled & I accidentally sneeze (loudly) without covering my face. Apparently got this Chinese dude next to me reacted & jumped away in surprise. Yup you can only see this kind of behaviour in M'sia. The Americans may be the pioneers of the telephone, electricity & fast food but we M'sians are the inventors of epilepsy, apartheid & stupidity. Not bad huh? Anyway this goes to show you how paranoid people are in KL lately about the swine (H1N1) virus spreading around. So far 3 schools in the city has closed down temporarily & estimatedly 250+ cases of M'sians are infected from the disease. Research has shown that wearing a face mask may not necessarily prevent the disease from spreading from one monkey to another. I still don't know why is that there are some people still wearing face masks in public if they are not really rendered effective then. Hey don't take my word for it, you can check the facts here 'The Relation Between Face Masks & H1N1' for yourself.

All for the sake of fashion babe ~

I'm almost gonna turn 20 & yet I still have cravings for childish things like watching cartoon, to name a few; Spongebob Squarepants, Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, Dexter's Laboratory, The Simpsons, etc. Whenever my parents ask me, "Son, why you so old already still watching cartoon?" I would just reply back;

"Mom, dad. Watching cartoon is a good way to destress mah. After a long day at school, is it wrong for me to chill & relax? At least releasing stress by watching cartoon is so much better than to follow my siblings smoking correct or not? Both of you also watch television to destress mah after a long day at work isn't it?"

Those who love to watch cartoon should copy this statement & say this to their parents. For my case, my parents did not say anything after that. They just leave me & the television alone. This is all thanks to the results of going through the Form 6 system. Your analytical & debating skills would improve tremendously due to constant practise of past year questions in the General Studies or MUET subject. Highly recommended for the younger generation who aspires to be a lawyer or politician to follow this education route after SPM.

I got nothing much to do on Facebook, so I randomly picked a person I know just to check out their profile. I came across David Oh's profile & I saw his personal message, something like this;

"Most problems in life are due to the lack of or a breakdown in communication. Communicate, and many problems can be avoided and solved. Asians tend not to communicate with people in authority. We need to change if we want to rule and reign in life."

I couldn't agree more with David. Therefore, I'm going to touch on something which is very controversial to support David's view. Relationships, with & among Asian people. Okay before any pro-Asian fella come & whack me, hear me out first! I will start a story based on my experience.

In my high school years as a Form 5 student, I met a Form 3 student who studied in a Chinese primary school (SRJKC) but later move on to here, a national high school (SMK). I didn't know she had a crush on me until during one night when I was watching a friend's choir performance, Ivan Kok called me. Ivan keep congratulating me because he just found out that a girl likes me. In my mind I was like, "Man, this guy must be high on drugs or something!"

The next day in the morning (Saturday if I'm not mistaken), the same Form 3 girl chatted with me on MSN. She keep bugging me, asking what Ivan told me yesterday. After nagging me for awhile, I'd finally gave up & told her the truth. Eventually I can't really remember what she said after that. That was 3 years ago so my memories was quite blurry but I think she did ask whether I'm aware or not that she actually likes me. What happened next? Bloody hell what do you think this is? A history lesson of my past is it? I'm just gonna cut it short & let you imagine the rest for yourselves. So we couple together back then. But most of the time, we communicated through SMS or MSN. I did want to tell her that I love her verbally & suggested that we should meet in person, but she would hesitate & insisted that she's not free. Eventually our relationship strain due to lack of communication (in person) which lead to a breakup.

The "Only love will guide us through" philosophy is not good enough. You need to communicate as well!

In another case, I had two friends in school with both of them from a Chinese educated background & they were couples back then a few months ago. Based on what I had experienced, I've already knew they would not last long since the beginning. This is because they would only talk to each other either through SMS or MSN! There is a lack of communication between the two of them. My prediction was right, in the end the two broke up & until today, they still can't talk to each other face to face.

No wonder why local graduates, especially those who often speak their mother's tongue find it difficult to secure a job in the market nowadays. It's not just the English language barrier, but also the tendency to express yourself well infront of your prospective employers. You can't just go for interviews only able to mutter out words like "Arr.., mah.., Eh.., Ooh.., lah.., etc." The competiton for jobs is so intense now especially in this economic situation. Companies no longer need just hardworking employees, but thinkers & debaters as well. Sub-urbanites have a better preference of employment not because we are pro-Western that make us so 'geng' particularly our English! Of course we appreciate our own Asian values but we have to be open minded to Western values as well because there is benefits in learning from the 'Orang Putih'. Students in Tunku Abdul Rahman College please take note.

There is another problem with most of us Asians. We just cannot sit down together & discuss in a civilized manner when something goes wrong. You can see this clearly in the Parliament or in public forums. When someone finds out that another person has different views & opinions, they would start giving knee jerk reactions & start calling each other names. What is our problem as M'sians, oops I mean Asians? Imagine how much trouble me & my ex can spare if only both of us can just sit down together & discuss what is wrong wth our relationship. That way, I would know what she is not happy with me about & vice-versa. Then after that, both us can come out with solutions in order to save the relationship. However, this is not the case. When something went wrong, my ex would not tell me why she is upset with me.

Until today, I still don't really know why did she want to breakup with me!? Of course she gave me a lame reason for it that she wants to focus fully on her upcoming PMR & she doesn't want anything to distract but c'mon give me a break! If you are not happy then tell me the real reason why & not by sweeping everything under the carpet! You're the one who ask to have a relationhsip in the first place & now you said exams commitment should come first. We have the UPSR, PMR, SPM, Foundation Level, Bachelors Degree, Masters Degree & Doctorate Degree which all consist of approximately 22 years it takes to complete! Don't tell me in these 22 years span, you wanna stay as single but not available? Who are you trying to kid?

Alright maybe it's not entirely her fault because I too have to take a fair share of the blame. I was not romantic enough, too straightforward & honest, lack creativity, etc. Most importantly, I was too ignorant, too blind to see the outcome. One of my good friend, Alfred Cheong first warned me that looks can be deceiving & I should look for someone else with permanent attributes like maturity & character. That is how a strong foundation of a relationship should be laid. Haihz I should listen to Alfred's advice. Yeah sure my ex was a real hottie. Any guy would gaga over her mesmerizing beauty. But she was only a Form 3 during that time. How common can you see a mature 15 year old who still going through the stages of puberty? Extremely rare I would say. Yes honey you look fat so don't bother asking!

Guys seriously stop going for chicks who have looks only because this quality is very unreliable in maintaining a strong relationship. Go look for a chick with qualities that are more permanent & everlasting instead like character, commitment, integrity & most importantly, brains. No it's not that hard to find a woman like that. You just have start opening your inner eyes (dunno got such thing or not) rather than focusing too much on her outer beauty.

Anyway I'm not saying that Asian/Eastern values are all bad. I'm not saying that Western values are all good neither. What I'm saying is we need a balance between both values. Asians are known to be soft spoken & polite, well that's good. On the other hand Westerners are known to be vocal & idealistic, that's good too. So in conclusion, we need to pick out the good things in both sides & reject the bad things from both sides, example like Asians tend to be 'pendiam' (timid) while Westerners are known to be anarchic. If we can adopt this approach then that way we will create a more well rounded individual.

So far life has been very hectic for me. Whenever I wanted to study, I've realized my lecture notes are scattered all over the place. It took me hours to find them & rearrange them back according to chapter as well as subtopics. By the time I have completed the task, I would be too bloody tired to study after that. On Thursday 25th, I'll be having my Pengajian Am (General Studies) subject consisting of both paper 1 & 2. The day before things were a little bit rush hour because of the wide syllabus I have to cover up. Apparently I almost forgotten bout Li-Hsia's b'day. I thought about cancelling my plans of attending her surprise party so that I can catch up on my studies. It was 7pm that night, 2 hours before Li-Hsia's 'surprise'. As I was studying, flipping through my notes, I was in nostalgia as all the memories of me & Li-Hsia came back into my mind. I remembered during the good old days where she would always fetch me to cell group or church & likewise, back to my home.

During the journey, me & her would always joke around & telling each other how is our day. She done all this for me without ever complaining that she has to bear the expenses for car petrol. Sometimes even during supper, she would bless me with a free meal when I had no money to spend on. Such a wonderful sister she has been to me in these past 4 years. I just felt so guilty as I'm about to ditch her on her b'day surprise. In the end my consciense finally cleared & I've decided, exams come & go but friendship will only come once in a lifetime. Therefore I put aside my notes, dress up & get ready to travel to Sunway Pyramid & give Li-Hsia the best b'day surprise she'll ever get.

You are the best sis in South East Asia!

Some have been asking me lately, why am I so critical of making negative remarks about my own country? I just want things to get better here is that wrong? If I don't love M'sia, then I would just stop complaining & let it rot worse than it's current state now. I've been chatting alot with my long time friend Cheng Yik Sheng on Facebook who is currently studying in Melbourne University, Australia. At first our conversation were casual until it gets to be a little more interesting when he started persuading me to study in Australia too after my STPM. I never seriously have the thought nor the desire to study in the land of the kangaroos. Don't get me wrong, of course I want to study in overseas. Who doesn't? It's probably the wisest thing to do if you ever want to achieve your fullest potential in life. Whereas compared to here, our public universities are too politicized in order to fulfill one's personal agenda. As a result, the academic standards deteriorated greatly & thus produces lousy graduates (mostly) in terms of quality & competitiveness.

However, alot of bad rumours bout Australia has surfaced to the media regarding racism. We see how Indian students are mistreated there recently & this has made me think twice about studying in Australia. Of course all countries in the world are not free from this poison which is racism. But the least thing you can do is go to a country where the people are generally tolerant, friendly & courteous. Therefore if I have decided to study overseas, either New Zealand, Scotland or Canada (ooh yeah Terry Fox) would be my preferred destination. Another factor which made me hesitant to study in overseas is my friends here in M'sia. Over the years I have made really nice friends & I just can't imagine leaving them behind to pursue my ambitious dreams in overseas. Yes you may have achieve alot in your life, career & goals. At the end of the day, all these achievements are nothing compared to the love of your friends & family.

Let's not forget about the deflated economy situation. No one is spared from the effects of recession. Even though my family has a steady flow of income, we still have difficulties in managing our finances. As a dutiful son to the family, I should help lessen the burden of my parents by trying to secure a place in public universities particularly the University of Malaya. It would be unrealistic & selfish of me for demanding them to send me overseas in order to further my education. But I just said graduates from public universities are like crap didn't I? Yeah I did but I'm only referring to the majority of graduates, not all. In other words there is the minority, a small number of them know that the system is like shit. That is why they have to be proactive in clubs & societies in order to develop their 'soft' skills. I'm sure in public universities, they have student exchange programs as well. By joining these programs, students can expose themselves to different cultures in different countries so that they can shape themselves as more rounded individuals. Sadly alot of students are not taking advantage of these programs & miss out the opportunity to see the world. I can't say why but it could be due to the lack of English proficiency among students which causes them to be afraid of travelling to English speaking countries like in the UK, US, etc. On the contrary, I assure you that I will be one of the minority of those graduates who will come out as competent, emotionally intelligent & charismatic.

Alright let's learn some basic economics. Mostly everybody knows a country can suffer deficit when cash flows out from the country, especially the Ringgit M'sia (RM) currency. Simply the more RM is brought out of the country, the more of our RM is devaluated or depreciated. Usually this happens when someone wants to obtain certain goods or services from another country that cannot be found in their own country like quality education as an example. The M'sian education system is really... oh my God how should I say this? It's really fucked up so badly, no thanks to UMNO (United Malays With No Brains) until a huge number of students mainly from the suburbans opting to further their education in overseas rather than locally like my friend here. In prior to this our RM will be converted into other currencies which the countries are famous destinations for education hubs like the UK Pound Sterling, Euro, US Dollar, Singaporean Dollar, Australian Dollar & so on. As a result you will not only contribute to the country's problem of bringing down it's economy but you will contribute to the country's brain drain problem as well. After getting a good degree from a reputable institution, how many of us would seriously consider coming back here & channel our energy towards the country's development? It's very unlikely once you have been offered a more lucrative job to stay instead in your respective country host. We can't blame these people though. Ultimately it is the government's fault for failing to tap their human resources wisely. Just ask any top Chinese or Indian student here in M'sia. Without a doubt they will tell you that there is NO meritocracy when it comes to securing a Public Service Department (PSD) Scholarship. If you are born as a non-Malay then you may either blame God or your mom for creating you in the first place because a non-Bumiputra is not entitled to enjoy the same priveleges of the a Malay's special rights. Are you a Bumiputra? If not, then too bad you can't get a scholarship MUAHAHA!



Anyway I'm not trying to give excuses to avoid studying in overseas. Like I said before, only risk takers will succeed in life. But you can't just rely solely on brawns when you go to the 'battlefield'. You have to use your brains too in overcoming the 'enemy' by planning a solid strategy. Example like the Battle of Red Cliff in Romance of the Three Kingdoms by Luo Guanzhong. Cao Cao of the Wei Kingdom was planning to attack Sun Quan of the Wu Kingdom when he had made an alliance pact with Liu Bei (later founded the Shu Kingdom) who barely escaped from the Wei army after his defeat at the Battle of Changban. Even with their combined army forces of around 200000+ troops, they are still short in manpower against the massive Wei army that boasts of 800000 troops. The Shu & Wu army have both valiant generals such as Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Zhao Yun, Huang Gai, Gan Ning, Lu Meng & Zhou Tai. However, it is through the geniuses & strategies of their tacticians like Zhuge Jin, Zhuge Liang, Zhou Yu, Zhang Zhao, Zhang Hong & Lu Su that played a vital role which lead to a victory over the Wei army.

Highly recommended for adrenaline craves

Therefore in this case, I can't just go to Australia like that. I need to have a good planning too like where am I gonna live in, what am I gonna eat, how much money should I spend, who to find for help, etc. After analyzing all possible avenues, I have come to a conclusion that I will only travel to overseas for my postgraduate studies. I'm sorry to say this Yik but I won't change my mind of studying at here locally at undergraduate level. I would be honoured to join you in Aussie but my circumstances just doesn't allowed it at the moment.

Dad: Careful when you cycle on the road son!

Me: Dad don't worry lah! Nowadays we don't see anymore robbers around Subang at the moment mah.

Dad: I'm not talking about robbers, I'm talking bout cops!





If you want to express your love for the country, you can sing the national anthem while having a shower & not on public places okay?

Other songs that can get you in trouble with the police when singing in public;

1. Selangor state anthem (if you're in Selangor)
2. Johor state anthem (if you're in Johor)
3. Perak state anthem (if you're in Perak)
4. Penang state anthem (nah maybe not)
5. "Who bombed the Mongolian?" (Our PM's least favourite song)

A tribute to the King of Pop

Honestly I don't know which is worse, being robbed by an Indian Mat Rempit or getting arrested by the police for singing 'Negaraku'? I am terrified whenever I saw a police officer passing by. I just pray to God that my good looks & bulging wallet will not attract their attention. I really sympathize those residents who live nearby the SS17 police station branch. Everyday it must be a nightmare for them when the cops go out 'hunting' for bribes or innocent victims on the surrounding area. This is what you get for voting corrupted people to rule the country, dumb M'sians.

My long term goal is to be a football coach. However, I also have a backup plan just in case if things do not go my way which is to become a politician. Yes I feel that during recession, only politics is one of the sector industries that are not affected. All I have to do is register myself as a politician in my respective constituency & sweet talk to the beloved people of Subang Jaya. No doubt M'sians are real suckers for empty promises. They are the same yesterday, today & tomorrow. If I say that I will fight corruption, mismanagement & crime, the majority of stupid M'sians will just cheer & vote me to rule for another term of 4 years. I can safely assume that my dog is smarter than the average M'sian. When it tries to steal an object with it's mouth, I would take out a cane & whip it against the floor. That way my dog will know that it has already done something wrong & will release the object from it's mouth. On the other hand, M'sians will never know that voting Babi Nasional to rule the federal government is a bad decision even if they know that their tax money is being misused. I can bet all my savings (RM4500+) that this corrupted coalition party will be voted to rule our country again in the next General Election. M'sians, such a strange species I would say ~

I love you Sumo ;)

"There Are Sacrifices To Make To Reach To Your Dreams!"

8th - 21st June, 2009

The title of the post did not came from me but from a prominent guy in my church, Shawn Lee (google it up) who is best known for his beatboxing skills. I just love people who are highly ambitious. They are those that dare to take the bull by it's horn. In other words, these people are not afraid to take risks in their lives. They are willing to make sacrifices, putting everything in stake in order to reach their dreams & goals. Like the Nike slogan, they don't care what others think, they JUST do it. Ambitious people inspires me to give my best especially in the things I love to do, football. Seeing Shawn achieving success today with his talents motivates me to believe that I too can overcome challenges & obstacles that I face.

I can predict what has Shawn gone through in his life. Probably both of his parents & friends have never believe that he could actually made this far. I'm sure there is one time they told him before that beatboxing should be regarded as a hobby only & not a career because "this is M'sia mah, how to 'cari makan' doing something like this?". You have heard that familiar phrase a million times isn't it? Imagine what is his parents reaction when he said that he wants to travel to Germany to participate in a beatboxing competition at international level. A typical Chinese parents would just lash out a flat no. How distressing it is for Shawn when his parents ask him tough questions like;

• "Are you out of your bloody mind!? Have you been drinking lately?"
• "This is M'sia you know. Either you study or you do business thats's it!"
• "You are an Asian about to compete with Westerners. What makes you so special?"
• "We're M'sians lah! M'sians where can excel in things like music or sports!?"
• "Absolutely cannot! Pay more attention to your studies instead!"
• "If you treat us as you family then don't ever bring up this issue again!"
• "How can much can you earn really with a career in beatboxing?"
• "One day you have to feed your future wife & kids. Don't tell me beatboxing is going to help you put food on the table."
• "You have to be realistic in life. Just treat beatboxing as a hobby."

The above statements are just possibilities. However, I think this would be more accurate towards Shawn;

• "Germany ar!? Lei chi sin lah! Their currency Euro is more expensive than our Ringgit M'sia you know? So more you have think where are you gonna live, what are you gonna eat & how to travel there! How leh if you get kidnap in Germany!?" Bla bla bla...

Despite negative remarks from his peers, Shawn managed to travel to Germany as a representative of M'sia & won 6th place in the World Beatboxing Championship. Today almost every M'sian urbanite knows who is Shawn Lee. He's travelling all over the place to perform & showcase his ability on public events. He has wowed every person he meets especially famous celebrities like Hannah Tan. Shawn Lee is on a role! I too face a similar persecution from my family & friends when I told them that I want to be a football coach. Whatever rejection I faced is exactly what Shawn may had experienced too. People are doubtful of their own abilites just because of their own nationality as M'sians. To them if you are born a Malaysian, then you cannot achieve success unless you are from a developed nation like Japan, US, UK, etc. If you think about venturing into something like the music industry, then you are considered a very stupid person because this is M'sia mah, where can cari makan with music? People like Shawn, Amber Chia, Nicol David, Lee Chong Wei, Jimmy Choo, Daniel Lee & others are just lucky only that's all! No such thing as hardwork & perseverance! It's all bout luck oni wan! Correct hor M'sians? We M'sians with the "this is M'sia mah!" mentality are born as losers & will die as losers.

Sports, music, performing arts & entertainment. These are the professions which M'sians can be very sceptical of. Shawn & I could have just chosen the typical path of a 'cinapek'. Get a decent education, do something 'common' like business, medicine, engineering, etc. Eventually get married, bore a few kids. Then after that work your ass off to earn enough for your retirement & kid's future education. In the end you're buried 6 feet under & your kid's will repeat the same thing as well as your children's children going through the same life cycle. Is this the kind of life we want to live? There is just so much more life has to offer than that! No wonder why are there so many people, especially youths are taking up smoking nowadays. They just don't know what is their purpose in life. They think that worldly pleasures such as ungodly relationships, drugs, clubbing, alcohol, black metal, rebellion in society & even more smoking can fulfill the hole in their hearts but...

I mention before in "The Typical Parents, Destroyer of Nation Building" about how autocratic parents are hindering the next generation from reaching their fullest potential. Again I'm not saying that kids should be given total democracy when it comes to decision making in life but only to an extent on what they want to be when they grow up without anyone dictating that choice. I don't mind if my parents doesn't want to give me my allowance. I don't mind if my parents say that I cannot have a girlfriend. I don't even mind if my parents doesn't want me to have an education but what I do mind is when my parents banning me from playing sports because sports is my life's passion. Sports is like my bread & oxygen. Sports is what I hold dearly & in many occasions I have put my foot firm on the ground, telling my parents that is what I enjoy doing & this what I want to do when I grow up. Sports is not a want, but a need for me because God has already planted a desire in me to play sports in order to glorify His name & fulfill His will for me. Of course you may have to experience rejection in order to get what you want.

For example when my aunt came to my house during one time just to help my mom to persuade me from giving up my dreams. In most family institutions, it doesn't matter how good you can debate on a certain topic but in the end, who is in control (eldest) of the family. Despite giving alot of good points that the sports industry in M'sia has a bright future, my aunt still ignored my plea & finally snapped, saying that if I ever treat her as my aunt then don't ever question her authority & bring up this issue up ever again. Of course I stood up my ground & insist that sports is my calling & ultimately my future is my own decision to make, not hers. I do not know about Shawn's situation but for my case, I have to go through a series of persecution to protect my dreams.

However, not many people can be as resolute as me (not trying to be arrogant though). I'm glad that after a long civilized discussion with my parents, they have agreed to let me pursue my dreams in sports without any interference. On the contrary, some people would just give in to the demands of their parents & pursue something else according to their wishes. From here, you can already picture what the scenario would be like. The child does something he/she dislikes. After many years of enduring frustration, the child finally regretted & realized it is too late to pursue their dreams & ambitions anymore probably due to their age barrier. They end up throwing tantrums at their parents, cursing them with names that would pierce anyone's heart. Eventually the child schemed a conspiracy to send their parents to an old folks home as a form of revenge but with an excuse saying that he/she is too busy to look after them. The parents would then cry out, "Where have we gone wrong?"

This is why whenever I pass by a retirement home, there won't be any slight feeling of sympathy in my heart whatsoever, seeing all those old folks just sitting & waiting, wondering when their children will ever be coming to pay them a visit besides the Grim Reaper. I would just smirk while mocking at them in my mind, "This is your reward for disallowing the freedom of your children to decide their own future in the first place. Now you know how it feels when they decide for you."

Anyway keep it up Shawn, if only there are more M'sians like you.

On Sunday 7th June, Vincent Cheng was the most happiest guy on earth when he's finally married to Lim Li Hsia. The dinner event was held at Equatorial Hotel, KL. I must say, I'm quite impressed with services of the hotel. Every staff I've met, especially the ballroom waiter was quite courteous & friendly. Even as a guest, the experience that night was just awesome, simply amazing. After this I'm looking forward to attend even more weddings ;)

Pictures taken in courtesy of Gladys. Here imitating a scene from 'The Godfather'

What happens after drinking too much wine?

Everyone say 'keju'

I found this satire piece of article posted in Raja Petra's blog about our country's government. This will be my last time touching anything that is related to politics, for now;

Raja Petra Kamarudin

NOAH and THE ARK

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Malaysia, and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living things along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have six months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

Noah! He roared. I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.

First, I need to have a BUMIPUTRA PARTNER who is linked to UMNO. Then I needed a building permit from DBKL and also have to pay under-counter money to get the permit.

Then I've been arguing with the BOMBA inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours complained to The Malay Mail about the height of the Ark I was going to build and the next day it was in the headlines claiming that I've violated the neighbourhood building by-laws because my Ark is going to exceed the height limitations. I appealed to the magistrate and it was approved.

The Opposition then took advantage of the situation and said I was a government crony and they did nasty things with my face in the Internet. I don’t know how they managed to superimpose my face on a naked body with naked MP’s and portrayed it on the YouTube. Oh Lord you are the All Knowing and you know I did not take the photos of the MP.

Then there was another stop-work order even before I could start work. After that the Badan Cegah Rasuah arrested me for pornography.

I talked to a lawyer who looks like Ambitah Bachan -- talks like him, acts like him, but is not him. He said he knows the Chief Justice and the Prime Minister -- the Apa Nama -- and can clear my name but I have to buy them tickets to Australia.

After clearing my name I had to again go to the DBKL Appeal Board for a decision to allow me to build the Ark.

Then the government, after approving the plans, said I must use only SIRIM approved goods and that I must buy from their list of CLASS F Bumiputera contractors and their prices are 15 times more expensive than the Chinaman hardware shop.

Then TNB and JPJ demanded that I post a bond for the future costs of moving power-lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the timber for the Ark was another problem. SUKHAM and the JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA said that there's a ban on the cutting local trees in order to save the Orang Utan.

I tried to convince SUKHAM and JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA that I needed the wood to save the Orang Hutan but they said no go.

When I started gathering the animals, JAKIM and an animal rights group sued me. JAKIM said I cannot put the chickens and the pigs next to each other as it WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED HALAL and the animal rights group insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accommodations were too restrictive and that it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then JABATAN KERJA RAYA and JABATAN KAJIAN DAN GALIAN ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an Environmental Impact Study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many Bumiputera contractors I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

JABATAN IMMIGRASI and RELA are checking the status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience.

As I started to clear the area to build the Ark, six gangsters came and demanded protection money. They said they will control the area for the selling of drugs and the supply of prostitutes to my workers.

When I complained to the POLIS, the next day the IGP sent an ASP who came in full uniform. Unfortunately he also happens to be one of the six gangsters who were demanding protection money and so he doubled my protection fee.

Then there was a by-election and I was forced to become an UMNO member to get my permits approved and was made to pay a donation by the Barisan Nasional candidate in the so-called spirit of MUHIBBAH. Otherwise they will make life difficult for me.

Every department I turned to is asking what they call “Kopi Wang”.

I calculated that if I paid all the so-called “Kopi Wang” and also give them the donation they ask, the cost to build the Ark will be 20 times higher. But I refused to give them the “Kopi Wang” as I am faithful to you Oh Lord.

Then some top-level politicians became very disappointed with me for not giving them the donations and they started calling me a Murtad. I told them my name is Noah and not Murtad and they got very angry and said they have connections.

Suddenly I became a suspect in the murder of a Mongolian lady because the place where she was murdered happens to be on the land where I am going to build the Ark and I was then arrested.

To make matters worse, the Jabatan HASIL seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. I have just been released from ISA.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, you mean you're not going to destroy the world?

No, said the Lord, the Malaysian Government beat me to it!

So farny lah this country ~